I am not a failure. There, I said it. To you and to me. I guess that’s just something I needed to hear from myself. I am a perfectionist, a type A personality, and for me failure is lurking behind every corner, always there and always threatening. I came to a point two days ago where I thought I had reached true failure at last. Sure, I’ve seen it before, come close to encountering it, but rarely have I truly felt it. I thought the last thing I had to be proud of was taken for me, a college 4.0 GPA, via an introductory ecology exam, and for me, it was the last straw. Every negative thing that has happened this past year, I blamed on my failures, on my inadequacy to be a smart, strong, loving woman. I questioned my strength, my integrity, and my purpose of life. I am also a pessimist.
The Bottom Line is a poem that I received, I believe, my freshman year of high school at an assembly from my superintendent. Everyone got a copy, and for the life of me, I can’t remember the purpose it was supposed to have. I, unlike most of the other students, kept my copy and hung it on my bulletin board in my bedroom. For some reason, it resonated with me. Maybe because I always knew that “nobody owes you a living.” My mother made that very clear to me and my sisters at a young age, that we could be successful, but we had to work our butts off for it. That was our responsibility, no one else’s. It’s not like I memorized it or read it every day, maybe once every six months, but I ended up bringing a copy with me to college and hung it on the bulletin board in my dorm room. When I moved to my first apartment, I bought a new bulletin board, and it hangs in the middle. Always to remind me.
It took a couple sources of inspiration to shake the complete tragedy that engulfed me. After my perceived failure, I gave up homework for the day, didn’t work out, and came home and made a six layer chocolate cake with toasted marshmallow and malted chocolate frostings (find the recipe here) . It took me five hours, a couple mistakes (which almost put me over the edge), a frosting “fight” with my boyfriend, and a destroyed kitchen for me to finish. I had eaten so much sugar by the end that I really didn’t even want a piece by the end. I think it weighs about 15 pounds.
Yesterday, I took a walk in our campus’s arboretum with my boyfriend Paul. It’s fall here, with changing leaves and all, and the colors have lasted probably three weeks longer than usual because it just hasn’t been cold or rainy yet. It was beautiful and wonderful. Also, coming back and sitting on Pinterest, I discovered that Jenna Marbles (you have to watch her videos. They’re hilarious!) has amazing abs (via pinterest), thus I continued to watch her video about her diet/workouts. I CAN’T go vegan. I don’t even want to, but for the first time in a long time, changing my diet seems feasible. The cake is delicious, but I probably should cut baking something like that to once or twice a year. Lastly, I also discovered the Greatist website, which I find amazing.
“Taking control of my life” isn’t just about working and eating healthy. That’s only a part of it. It’s about doing things I love to do: getting active; crafting; learning to be a better cook and baker; reading, reading, reading; writing and journaling; deciding what I want to do for a career; reconnecting with my friends and making new ones; growing in God; loving my body; being content. Content and happy.
It wasn’t until I found an interval workout infographic that I thought , “I’m staring a blog”. It then became: I’m going to start a blog. I’m starting a blog. I’M STARTING A BLOG! It’s been on my mind a lot, and I’ve given it a go a time or two, but it’s never worked out. This time is different. I couldn’t think of a name for it. I tried “Where’s Aldo?” and “Living Content”, but they didn’t work out, mostly because the domain names were already taken. Looking around my room for inspiration, I saw The Bottom Line. It works and fits perfectly. I want to change. I want to be a person I love, and I want to be content in my life, not comfortable.
“Nothing is carved in stone. You can change anything in your life, if you want to badly enough.”
[Sorry this is such a long post. I’m naturally long-winded and wordy in my writing. I can’t promise this won’t happen again]